The Opposite Sex

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"In the sea of conflict, men sink and women swim"
- Researcher John Gottman

Insistence

While we might expect men to be more forceful than women in marital arguments, the research shows just the opposite, surprising our expectations.

Women tend to be more insistent, according to various researchers including John Gottman [i] at the University of Washington. Women argue more forcefully in almost twice as many marriages as men.

In the most lopsided arguments where only one argues and the other remains silent, by a ratio of 6 to 1, it is the woman who continues to argue and the man who remains silent. So in these most severe arguments, we see an almost complete separation between men and women.

Overwhelmed and confused

Men are typically more stressed and confused in arguments with women and remain bitter for longer afterward, while women are more comfortable amid verbal jousts, recover from them more quickly, in our ready for another round. Generally, it is fair to say that men are more intimidated in confrontations with women than the other way around.

Men are not blindfolded and gagged in arguments with women — it just seems that way.

Origins

Insistence has been a viable tactic for women, to test the strength of a commitment, while a reluctance to offend has been a more viable for men, who must rely on women to transport their genes into the next generation.

Suggestions

Marriages are better when men and women participate about equally. Amid our typical arguments, we offer a few obvious suggestions for men and for women:

To better resolve conflict, you must learn to be more comfortable with it. Recognize that it is normal for women to be more easily upset and irritated than men, but that women also get over it faster. Do not interpret it as a great catastrophe when your mate is bothered about something. Stay involved, and try to talk it out.

You might realize that men are more vulnerable in conflict than they appear and slower to recover from it. Be careful to accurately gauge how much stress your accusations inflict, and make allowances.

Implications

If men were ordinarily more forceful in marital squabbles, then an increase in female power would promote equality. But since women are ordinarily more forceful, as observations indicate, the same solution pushes us farther apart. Men withdraw in the face of female accusation, leaving marriages emotionally barren and inhospitable. The challenge is to strike a proper balance, so that men and women can participate together and gain the best from each other.

Shield Out Hostility.

See our active control stress reduction offering for healthy protection in hostile situations. Click on picture.

Explore these and other troublesome battle tactics in "You Still Don't Understand "
including:

Biased scorekeeping
Cross-complaining
Overblown accusations
Procrastination and its wonderland of false promises
Accusations masquerading as legitimate questions

"You Still Don't Understand" explores battle tactics, helps you identify your major goof-ups, and provides real-time solutions to correct them. Guarantee to improve communication or you can return the insights and take your old relationship back (joke).